This CANNOT be happening to me...... Not now! Not ever!

Throughout my life I have been prescribed anti-depressant but always chose to go without and did just fine. Until now. Why now? Well, I finally admitted to myself that I need something more than "will power" to get me thru the day. After talking to a dear friend I immediately called and made an appointment to see my dr. I was prescribed a medication along with therapy. I didn't realize it at first but by the 4th week I noticed a change in me. NO DEPRESSION. Because I never want to be dependent on these pills to make me feel better, the non medical expert that I am decided that it was time to stop. In educating myself with this drug I read that it was recommended to notify my Dr. right away if I should decide to stop. Well, I didn't. I just stopped. Plus I should mention that I unplanned had a Cadillac Margarita this past weekend. So the responsible thinker decided that it was okay to stop. A Cadillac Margarita was a good sign that I was over my depression. Maybe I wasn't even THAT depressed to begin with. So I stopped taking the medication. Well, 4 days later I am back to where I was a month ago. I feel myself sinking in this web of hopelessness. I do have things going on right now that make me sad but to have this full blown body trapped in a dark cave is not the way I want to live my life. How can I escape this body or my mind from drawing me out of existence? Nothing at the moment is convincing me to turn away from having these feelings. It's over powering my every mood. Is this going to be ME, the rest of my life?????? I hate to think so. Am I going to be a slave to these anti-depressants???? The thought of that makes me cry......... for how long must I be dependent on this medication. Talk it out. I did. Still nothing shakes me. I am at the core of oblivion. Food is supposed to be my addiction. Not by choice of course, that's just the way I've lived my life. I am reminded of that every morning I do look at myself. Now, these pills. What's it going to do to me? What's it going to be like the rest of my life? I need to make a choice, suck it up and pretend nothing is wrong. Or, see how far, how long I can go with it or without. This cannot be happening to me. NOT me. Not NOW. I can feel the will power it takes for me to convince others that I am okay. Even when they are not asking or cannot see the pain I am trapped in. I play music as loud as can to tune out the sadness. My family is loving and caring but it doesn't make a bit of difference. I look for ways out but I am so trapped. Quiet solitude feels better by the moment. I'm becoming familiar to the uncertainties of my life. I don't know how to change it. Yes, I guess I do need to start taking those pills at the same time everyday from now on for the rest of my life.......